Frozen in Fear, Moved by Love
“I have debated with myself for two days now…” began an email to a friend that I started this morning. Truth is, I’ve debated with myself the entire month of December.
You see, when I am frightened I stand still. It is as though there is a tiger crouched in the weeds in front of me and I have just spotted it peering at me through the grass. I stand very still. Staring. My heart racing. My eyes wide open, tears brimming, breath caught in my throat, hands clenched at my sides, feet willing the earth to open up and swallow the moment. I stand in fear; frozen, watchful, in the (mistaken) knowledge that there is only one right thing that I can do to save myself, but not knowing what that can be.
My mind whirrs and spins — seeking answers, reasons — unable to light upon any one thought for more than a moment. Grasping, failing to hang on, whirling away into confusion.
This entire month of December I have allowed myself to be carried away by fear, unable to move, unable to either surrender to the current or to fight its fierce flow. Frozen.
And this entire month I have had rope after rope thrown out to me. By family, by friends, by people I have never met and who love me and love all with an unexplainable but visible love born of courage and will and grace given once upon a time to them in times of their own fear and trembling. Those of you who have thrown ropes know who you are, you will read this and know. God bless you. You are my saviors.
The one that broken me open, that broke the hold of fear, that final straw that drove me to move from Fear and move into Love Offered is, and I have to laugh through my tears, a Walker. And isn’t it funny, in a synchronicitous (yes, I just made up that word) kind of way, that during this month of frozen fear I have become a Walker.
I have more to write, more to tell, just not today. Today I must go and be what I am — a Walker. I realize now that Life doesn’t stop when you stand still, but it does begin when you move into it. Funny, that. And there is a new beginning with each day. Can’t you feel it?
What are you moving toward today? Keep moving, get closer, really see where you are going and what you are looking at. Consider the Moment and then keep moving.
Peace to you.
“What a blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one’s deepest as well as one’s most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort — the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person — having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.”