My little Chickadee

I have been carrying around a feeling of unease. Carrying an overwhelmed and unsettled heart. A bit lost. A little alone. The darkness seemed to fall with the sickness that kept me down this last week. I have mostly shaken the bug, I haven’t shaken the fog.

I hadn’t taken a single bird photo in 10 days. Ten days.

I could not find the interest, the excitement. I had fallen out of love with everything, everyone.

And then, just a few moments ago I asked God, “Where are you??” and I looked up and I saw this little chickadee.

And I laughed.

There He is.

Yesterday I saw this little black-capped chickadee at my feeder. I was so excited. I hadn’t seen a chickadee since leaving my house in the woods of Wilkeson some 15 years ago.

I told John Ross at church that morning, “I saw a chickadee this morning!”

He grinned a wide grin and said, “I see them every morning, both kinds! They drain my feeder every day there are so many of them.”

A common bird to him, well loved, but still, common.

But to me? A gift, a rare gift. And a gift of a friend that can share in the love of the common chickadee? That’s God. (Hi Jayne!)

And then later I realized that the bird that I had been thinking all along was just another common house finch, was actually a purple finch.

Again, I haven’t seen one since Wilkeson.

So I came home to stalk him with my camera lens and I captured him. I captured him, his girlfriend and another couple traveling with him.

There was God.

And this morning, I look out my window toward the mountain and watched with amazement as a huge, black bird flew to the top of the barn down the road. I had never seen anything that large here.

I grabbed my camera and jumped in my car and hurried down the road to get as close as I could so I could identify the massive beastly bird.

It’s a raven. A noble, frighteningly huge, impressive raven.

I have never seen one before.

He was two feet long if he was an inch.

Where is God?

Where is God NOT?!

I told a friend the other day that I felt like I was at a crossroads, but the problem is I’m not sure where that crossroads is, I’m lost. How do I know where to turn if I don’t even know what the choices are?

I’m still lost, but I know that wherever I step, whichever way I turn, God will be there.

Today I read in the  A Year with Rumi:

… But don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth, so everyone will understand the passage. … Start walking toward Shams. Your legs will get heavy and tired. Then comes a moment of feeling the wings you’ve grown. Lifting.

Do I have wings? Perhaps. Perhaps I’m just afraid to use them.

“Come to the edge,” he said.
They said, “We are afraid.”
“Come to the edge,” he said.
They came.
He pushed them…
And they flew.

~Guillaume Apollinaire

P.S. Not everything I write has to have deep meaning or be said well or even come close to being prosetically perfect (I just made up the word prosetically). Sometimes I feel like I’m running out of words and if I use up too many I won’t have enough to write the stories for the newspaper. I wear out. I’m worn out. I need a recharge.

~ by Kimberly Mason on February 7, 2011.

9 Responses to “My little Chickadee”

  1. I’m crazy about your purple finch…how beautiful!!

    Ravens are the best. Where I live I hear them talking sometimes….they really talk. I used to try to converse with them but my children found it disturbing. Why do children want to have normal mothers? Once my daughter wrote us a card saying: “Thank you for being my parents. You’re different, but I like different people.” Heheh!

    I was feel low emotionally after the flu bug or whatever it was a few weeks ago….maybe it’s an illness that comes with an oz. of depression as an exclamation mark at the end. I feel find now….a few weeks later! Bless you Kimberly!

    • “flu bug or whatever it was” certainly hit the nail on the head. What WAS that? And the lingering depression, hmm, I hadn’t thought of that cause and effect, but I’m betting you were right on with that one too!

      You made me smile. Thank you so much! Oh, and to hear ravens talk! How wonderous!!!

  2. I love chickadees. They make me laugh ’cause they are so darned cute. I saw ravens several times when I was living out there. I was amazed at how large they are!

    As for making up words, if Sarah can do it, you can do it!

  3. It’s so easy to get bogged down in the day to day that we cease to see…. I was having a really “off” day yesterday too and as I pulled off Chickadee (thanks, Kim!) there was this amazing sunrise to greet me and giggle. Yep, He’s there. Always. Hugs to you my friend.

  4. I just posted a present for you and Jayne on my blog. How very like God all this is: me studying pictures of a cute little bird I saw on Sunday, no less, even as you are posting about experiencing Presence as you were visited by a chickadee, and so both of us are surprised by much-needed joy, as I was visited by a chickadee, too! Better still that we can share this with others, including our mutual friend who lives on Chickadee. I am very, very thankful for this moment!

  5. “Where is God NOT?” Oh, Kim, well said.

    Love and hugs to you. Good to read you again.

  6. Thank you for posting even when you feel doubtful or a little lost. It helps me to hear when others are at that place and how they get out of it.

    I have missed your posts!! and bird pics.
    A huge flock of birds landed in my back yard and I tried to take a picture through the window and they were horrible!!!! not one worth saving. How in the world do you take your breath taking and time stopping pictures???

  7. This was my favorite part too: Where is God NOT?! Indeed!

  8. Love this post. Reading you is always like stepping outside my head and looking back in…

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